Archives mensuelles de mai, 2011

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

I have tried roleplay, but I do not quite get it, or I should say, get into it. As much as I like theatre and costumes and characters and have been relatively good as an actor in the past, playing a role in a scene does not seem to do the trick for me. I know that, in the context of a scene, I mutate and become lots of different thing, including a slave, a slut and a little girl, but those are not roles but facets of me, and it is as myself that I like to… give myself. So I like to watch roleplay because it is really fun to watch, but doing it myself never worked very well. Maybe the “good” role with the “good” person is awaiting me, but I doubt it.

Find the complete set of questions here.

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?  If so, what are they?

(Yes, I am publishing two entries on the same day, because, really, my answer to Day 18 was a bit too short!)

Ever since I have been attending kinky events, meeting kinky people, getting involved in the community, I have met the most amazing people. Being a kinky dyke in the queer kinky community helped me find my place as a dyke, which had never quite been the case in the lesbian non kinky community, for whom I sometimes felt too much (and especially, sometimes, too much of a femme although I am not femme that much).

Find the complete set of questions here.

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?  If so, what are they?

Actually, I do not have any kinky/BDSM pet peeves worth mentioning. Call me a positive girl…

Find the complete set of questions here.

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

BDSM has entered popular culture, especially tv and cinema. CSI and all the other crime series all have had their BDSM episode in which someone is found dead and the police finally discover that they were involved in a BDSM scene at the moment of their death. I know that people can die during a BDSM scene, for kink, just as anything intense (extreme sports, for instance), is not risk-free. But people usually do not die doing BDSM just as most do not die skiing down a hill, and everybody has fun. Also, contrary to what is presented in those shows, most people involved in BDSM are not psycho (probably not more than the average citizen) although they might happily agree that they are perverts.

Also, I would like to clear up the fact that BDSM is violent. Yes, things happen that might look violent from the outside, but they are done from a place of love and are actually the opposite of violence. BDSM (at least the kind I like) is about caring.

Find the complete set of questions here.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

At some point in my life, when my needs could not be fulfilled, I have wished to be wired differently, not to crave it so much. I would then withdraw away from sexuality as well, because being sexual would trigger the other needs, and that was painful. Now that I have fulfilling relationships including kink and D/s, I do not see it as a difficulty anymore, but as something that adds a precious dimension to my life. Of course, that makes me all the more different from the average people around me who are neither queer, nor polyamorous, nor kinky. But that also provides me with a different perspective on things. That does not make more intelligent (!), but maybe more aware of the many shades and colours of identity, gender, sexual orientation, etc.

Find the complete set of questions here.

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

I have never tried (or only for a few seconds, in a workshop) a violet wand. I would be curious to have such a device used on me. I am scared a bit, because electricity frightens me, but at the same time, in my “try everything once” (at least!) philosophy, I would like to experience it.

(Ok, that was a short entry!)

Find the complete set of questions here.

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

The fun thing is I have come to realise it is no different. Except that real life has to deal with unavoidable contingencies which fantasy does not have to. As I said on Day 3, I began exploring BDSM in fiction, so I wrote my first novel without having experienced anything I described, and also without much input from the actual BDSM scene. Basically it all came from my head and pussy. However, when I started comparing my notes with people’s real life experience, then to my own, I realise how scarily close to reality I had been, from the dynamic of a D/s relationship, and down to the simplest elements of a scene. But, at the same time, fantasy does not have to be limited by the daily life; people in a fantasy do not necessarily have to go to work, eat a proper quantity of veggies, go to pee regularly (unless it’s part of the play!), have their periods, and the pain they can take is limitless. In real life, shit (and bloopers) happen.

Find the complete set of questions here.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

I am drawn to it because, ever since I started doing it, getting it makes me feel good and not getting makes me feel, well, not so good (grumpy and whimpy and self-destructive). I like the sensation an intense scene creates in me, and I like how peaceful I get when I simply kneel at my owner’s feet. Call me a simple girl.

I am also drawn to the kinky community, because I have found there, especially in the leatherdyke community of the Toronto-Ottawa-Montreal triangle, wonderful people who have become good friends.

Find the complete set of questions here.

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

There are fetish parties and there are BDSM parties. There might be some fetish involved in BDSM parties, and some BDSM happening in fetish parties, but one particular experience showed me a slight difference between the former and the latter. We were at a fetish party on a kinky weekend in Montreal. People all around us were real eye candies, an amazing fashion show was going on, the music was entrancing, but we (I mean, my girlfriend and my owner) decided to wander toward the tiny play space furnished with scarce BDSM furniture and frames. One spot was available, some kind of wheel mounted on a platform, and with a structure to hold on to. We were not sure it was intended to be used as a play device, but we wanted to play a bit. But the minute we climbed onto it, my girlfriend getting prepared to flog my owner who was standing with me at her feet, that round, light structure began to… roll, with us on it! It took all our strength (and pride) to secure it back in place.

Find the complete set of questions here.

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

To me, the ethics of kink is a flexible one within the scene/relationship, and yet a simple one outside the scene. I am aware that there are things that we do in BDSM scenes that might not look very ethical from the outside. The scene is a special place and time, outside the daily contingencies. And so is, to some extent, the dynamic of a BDSM relationship. But there is an ethics of kink and sometimes I feel it is stronger (or more strongly enforced, maybe) than in the rest of the world due precisely to our extreme practices. Basically, as long as all the people involved are comfortable with a given set of values, and there is (maybe) pain but no harm, I am fine with it. That being said, frankly, I do not see how the ethics of kink could be any different than any ethics. The rules and principles are the same, if applied to a more spectacular conduct.

Find the complete set of questions here.